zanna's blog

Audio: It's 70's music Wednesday.

Wow, coincidence? Today, and this week, this is obviously my favorite:

Today I had a sad wake-up call.

My daughter is 6. Six. A year older than 5. She's in the first grade, but where we live they conduct their elementary classes in a "pod" system, where 4 classes are sort of interconnected and multi-aged, so there are Kindergarteners through Second graders in her pod, one of whom is her 8 year-old brother.

They've been in the same 'pod' for 2 years now, since we moved here. She started Kindergarten with one teacher, but went to another for math. He started with one teacher but went to another for reading. This year, they are in the same classroom. I was apprehensive, they have enough sibling rivalry as-is without adding competition in school to the list. However, I was willing to give it a try. They've actually both handled it well. They each have their own friends, some of whom overlap, and they are each in their own sections and levels for grade-appropriate classwork. But - she is one of only 2 first graders in that classroom. So what, you say? What difference does one grade make? Well, you'd be surprised.

This is a little girl who would be content to sit at a desk and color and draw - all day long. She makes everything she plays with a baby, and loves to dress them up and carry them around. She still gets cranky if she doesn't get enough sleep (okay, so do I...). In short, she is a very age-appropriate six-year-old. This makes me happy and warms my heart. The problem is, she's a lone member of that age-appropriate island she's living on.

The rest of her friends compete for who has the most Bratz dolls (dolls she's been given, but never plays with...). They talk about who's 'hot'. O_o They say who they 'love' on tv. Some, even have their own cell phones not to mention miniature dirt bikes and motorized scooters. Granted, it is par for the course in the area we live in to an extent. We are in a very 'you are as good as how big/expensive/gorgeous your home/car/diamond ring is community.' That's our fault I guess, but we definitely do not fall into that category of people, so we try to impart lessons of acceptance and diversity and not being judged by your possessions when ever we can. I've tried, when things come up to explain things in detail that she may just be trying to emulate without understanding them. For example, I asked if she knew what 'hot' even meant - she didn't. When they see even bigger houses than ours and say, "I wish we lived THERE!" I ask, why? I like our house just fine, it's perfect for us, maybe even a little too big! Discussion is the only way their thoughts and ideas can be challenged or articulated, so we do a lot of that.

Lately though, I've noticed something about when she gets ready for school. She'll talk about a skirt being too short, or want to wear leggings under all her dresses. I just figured she was following the first/second grade fashion trends and was grateful she wasn't thinking her skirts were too LONG. But today, I figured out why. She put on a dress - a long one - which happened to be one her grandmother bought her, with a matching button down shirt for her brother. So they were the epitome of 'aww, how cute'-ness in their matching outfits.

When she got the dress on, she sort of balked at wanting to wear leggings with it. I told her she totally didn't need leggings (the dress went down to her mid-calf) and she didn't have any that went with the dress anyway. She was fine and got distracted by the rest of the morning rituals of teeth brushing and binder-signing and getting shoes on.

Then, as if on cue from some evil anti-parenting director off-stage, she exclaimed as we were walking out the door,
"I don't want to wear this dress!! The hair on my legs will show and I look horrible in this dress!!"
Now my reaction might've been different if it wasn't Time To GO and we weren't already in the garage with the dog trying to escape to the freedom of the front yard and a thousand dogs' invisible calling cards wafting to his nose. So I said,
"Everyone has hair on their legs, and you look adorable, let's go!"
My succinct wisdom fell on deaf ears. The tantrum had begun. I told her again to grab her backpack and let's go, so she reluctantly did, amid tears and protestations. When I could get a word in edgewise, I tried to find out how on earth she could think she looked horrible. Of course I knew I wouldn't get an answer. If there's one thing she is, it's single-minded, so when she starts crying over a particular opinion or stance, well, she isn't going to listen to reason about it no matter what you say until time and space give her the gift or reason once more.

I was just sort of shocked that she was THAT upset over something so...trivial to a 6 year-old. But she was. I got her to calm down and though she didn't want to get out of the car at the school, she did, angrily slamming the door as she got out. So that left me with a horrible sense of guilt and "I've failed as a mother" feelings. You don't want the last image of your youngest child to be angry tears as you leave them for six hours. She does bounce back though, so I know she'll be fine when I pick them up. I've held on to guilt and worry like that all day, only to have her have NO clue what I'm talking about when I ask if she's still upset or sad.

Now you might think, "Jeez, she's just a spoiled child manipulating her mother!" But you'd be wrong. I know manipulation, and yes, both my kids are masters at it. Manipulation comes when they want an extra dessert, or a shiny new toy when they have a room full of suitable ones, or when they want to eat pizza instead of stir-fried chicken and vegetables. That is manipulation, and when we give into it, yes, we are spoiling them. This was not manipulation.

This, was a six year-old child already fully initiated into the cult of self-hatred and worry of not being pretty/popular enough and therefore, worthless. Welcome to womanhood. I never thought I'd see it in a girl this young. I realized what was going on in the car, and said, "You don't look horrible, but even if you did, it wouldn't matter because you are a nice person and that's all that counts. You could wear a trash bag to school and still be beautiful." Of course when you get into the mindset that what others think and say about you matters more than what's in your own heart and the hearts of those that love you unconditionally, little will sway your thoughts.

On the way home, I thought of my own words, and how they affect how she thinks. I remembered all those times I uttered. "Ugh, this looks awful" or "Ugh, I look gross!" And just has my kids now associate me with my iced coffee addiction because they witness it on a daily basis, they, especially my daughter, look to how I perceive myself and my self-confidence with how they should feel about themselves. It's not news to me. I've read the articles, I've seen the books on the topic. I just never thought about how I was responsible for it until now.

I do think that a lot of it is school-related too, and that saddens me. A six year-old is really, really different in mind-set than an 8 year old. I know I was, and 27 years later, I know it's even more pronounced now, with technology, tv and the media, and materialism on constant overload. She's trying to keep up, trying to make sure she doesn't make one misstep and put herself at the wrong lunch table, something I didn't think about until maybe 5th grade. I didn't consciously think about the hair on my legs until 6th. Again, it's sad, but it's also true. No matter how hard we try to teach our daughters and sons not to judge, to accept everyone and to be friends to all, there are just as many parents projecting mistreatment, judgment and oneupmanship that we have no control over.

So what is the answer? I'll stop now. Stop voicing my own self-doubts, my own worries about appearance. Yeah, I have some weight to lose, there are some body parts that I wished were a little more...lifted, but I'm healthy, and overall happy with how I look. And even if I weren't happy with how I look, the lesson I'd want my children to see is that the only person that mattered to was me. If I wanted to change it, I could, if I didn't, it doesn't make me less of a person or not as important as someone younger, fitter, or 'prettier' than I.

Making a conscious choice to change the way I think and speak will undoubtedly improve my own self-esteem too. And in addition to discussing this issue with her, not just once, but continually, I will show her by example how confidence comes from within, not without.

Whenever my husband or mother or I would say to her, "You're so beautiful" she'd giggle, "I know." and flit off to whatever she was doing at the time. I don't want her to ever utter a different answer. It's time to make sure she remembers that, every day.

Who is your favorite Muppet? Why?

My favorite Muppet was always...you know, I've had this window open all day waiting for me to come to some sort of conclusion about my FAVORITE Muppet. I've finally decided I don't have one. I loved ALL the Muppets. I lived for Sunday nights when that show would come on. I wanted to BE in the audience of the Muppet theatre watching the show take place. Little did I know you had to be small and furry and have a hand up your neck to sit in that audience...It's where I fell in love with John Denver and Crystal Gale and Kenny Rogers (for a while anyway...).

I loved Kermit's constant out-of-control control of the show, Gonzo's craziness, Rolf's great friendship...I always wanted Fozzy to get some respect and have Waldorf and Statler laugh just *once*. I wanted poor Beeker to escape unharmed from Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's latest experiment...and I never wanted the show to end...

I guess this doesn't answer the question, but it'll have to do. I loved them all. (Except for the guy juggling the fish I never liked him) ;)

As usual, it's more than one pic. I can never decide!

Santini says..."I'm always watching in the shadows..."

Santini, mid-yawn...

Ants invading your home are bad enough, but worse still are evil, stealthy, ninja CARPET ANTS! They are invisible because they hide in the carpet fibers and then sneak attack and bite your feet while you're trying to judisciously add audio info to your fabulous vox account!

GAR!

In other news, I'm off to spend the day in the Magic Kingdom...any photo requests that I can upload when I get back?? We won't be there too long and probably won't be going in ALL the rides (luxury of having annual passes, you don't HAVE to do anything!) but I'll try my best if anyone has any ideas!

Have a good Friday!

Damn you ninja ants!!

What are your three favorite album covers of all-time? Any honorable mentions?

Question submitted by Tamara.

I guess I sort of cheated because I picked a couple that affected me more than I liked the look of...but this is a pretty accurate list. And, I actually have the REM and Bowie ones ON album. :P

Honerable Mention would have to be...

Ok, so I've decided I like Vox. It's cool, it's interactive, it's fun. However, there are some things I am confused about. Seeing as how several random people have added me out of the blue, I figure why not write my issues here and see if anyone can help me, right?

1. Ok, so when someone comments on a picture of mine, can I comment BACK to them? I did that yesterday, but I think it just went to me, it's not like that person gets an email telling them I commented back. Me no likey that. That's one of the things I hate about myspace, that people comment in your 'comments' section, but you have to reply in THEIR comments section, and no one else knows what's going on. Which is fine I guess, but why not have it all in one place so it's easier to follow? *shrug*
   
2. Next, Neighbors vs. Friends. I get the family thing, so far none of my family is on here, but I've been adding everyone that adds me, as a friend, even if I don't know them. Maybe that's just silly on my part. I dunno. But what's the real difference between a Neighbor and a Friend setting-wise? Anything? I figure if people want to get to know me and they seem interesting, I want to get to know them too, but maybe I should keep people I don't know in the Neighbors category. I dunno!

That is actually something I like about Vox, which I anticipate not lasting long as it gets bigger and bigger, and that is that you see a random person and say, hey, they sound cool, and add them. As more and more people join, I'm sure it'll become like livejournal and you start getting into little cliques and communities where you might add people from there, but not just randomly because you see a comment or 'recent picture' they posted or something. Maybe I'm wrong.

I think that's it for now, I'm sure I'll remember more stuff I'm confused about, or get more confused about more stuff later! :P

Oh, and I also added some new pics of Santini, I thought I'd do a Picture of the Day for him because he's so damn cute! He was enjoying the morning sun today: 

EDIT: apparently you cannot link to pics hosted by Vox in entries. So I have to still upload the pics to my server. That's kind of lame.

Edit Edit: Nevermind, I figured out the insert photos thing. I stand corrected, that's pretty cool!

I added two new Santini photos today. He's so freaking cute! :D Maybe eventually I'll write some real content here. But for now? Not so much. :P

Here is my first official Vox entry. Now I have to decide what I want to do with this place vs. livejournal. :P

Welcome everyone and I hope to find more friends here soon.

zanna